Wait a Minute! We have not Talked Today.

Wait a Minute! We have not Talked Today.

I jokingly, though with some truth, said before a group of my friends that I do schedule my phone calls. And they all raised their eyes to have a better look at me. They wondered if this was true or not. But at the back of my mind, the Pareto rule (80/20) was ruling supreme.

To make sure they pinned me, they asked me if I regularly keep in touch with my better half. Of course, they had pushed me to the edge, but still, I would not accept to go down without a fight. To make sure the discussion did not move to whether there is the better half in the first place, I swayed the discussion another way.

I pointed out that it all boiled down to the fact that it is quantity vs quality. Yes, it matters how often people do get in touch, but most importantly it is the quality of the conversation that they hold that matters the most. Sometimes the communication becomes too much, other times it is too little.

The catch lies in how we behave in such situations. When a relationship starts, both parties are excited and the amount of texting and talking is relatively high. As the days move and the relationship matures, it calls for a balanced approach to keeping in touch.

Unfortunately, the transition may end up building or breaking the relationship. The moment someone remembers that they have not talked with their partner, they are tempted to make a move by making a call or firing a text message that demands a chat.

Because maybe the timing may not be right for the other party, he/she may be tempted to ignore that call or text message and promise themselves that they will revert later. How the other person will interpret such a gesture may end up starting to strain the relationship or not.

It is very important as such for both partners to lay the ground rules so to say for their relationship. They may, for example, agree that they will do early morning and late evening talk so that they may allow for a productive daytime period free of distractions.

In such an arrangement, they may leave a small window of in-between flirt messages which do not require a string of conversation. For example, sending your loved one a message at lunchtime wishing them a lovely meal time finishing it with a love message can be allowed.

Dr. Gary Brown, a couples therapist points out that it matters more about what you talk about as opposed to how often you are talking. She agrees that the quality of your conversations matters most compared to the quantity of time you spend with your partner.

Experts advise that partners need to keep in touch at least four times a week. I know someone will start wondering if that is not suicidal now that they are used to choking their partners with unfruitful communications throughout the day. Yet as with everything, with enough practice, it is possible to change.

I don’t know who made this funny observation which may be partly true and somehow partly false that those people who are always talking and texting each other all the time end up not marrying each other.

This is large because the lack of limits in talking and texting on things that logically matter sometimes leads to unimportant issues which often than not strain the relationship. Unless one of the partners is under stress or having a bad day which of course demands extra communication, things should be done with moderation.

It thus means that instead of wondering that you have not spoken today with your partner, you should wonder that you have not connected with them over an important thing/issue. And when you do that, ensure that you connect with them when their schedule best allows.

So, take the initiative today to talk about the quality of communication you want to have with your partner. Ensure that it is balanced and not done one way otherwise one of you will wonder why they are putting in too much energy while receiving too little. We are not angels yet.

Agree when and how often you will need to keep in touch. This will ensure that expectations from both parties are kept under limits within human possibilities. It is good to feel a feeling of missing someone as opposed to being overwhelmed by their presence whether physically or virtually.

You are set to build your ideal relationship now. These are not standard rules though. In as much as you may want to embrace them, ensure they fit and are interwoven with your unique situation. After all, every story has a different ending.

Geoffrey Ndege

Geoffrey Ndege

Geoffrey Ndege is the Editor and topical contributor for the Daily Focus. He writes in the areas of Science, Politics, Policy, Technology, Current Affairs, Opinion, Agriculture, Energy, Education, Entrepreneurship, Governance, International Emerging Issues, Society, and culture. For featuring, promotions or support write to us at ndegegeoffrey@gmail.com

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