Yes I do and the Paradigm Shift of Friendships.
Slightly over a week ago, I had a heartwarming chat with a longtime friend of mine. She is the type you talk to, brainstorm with, and laugh with, and at the end, you feel like you didn’t talk enough. So this was one of those talks we usually have with her, depending on whose turn it is to call.
Suffice it to say that we agreed to draw a call timetable, and so each one of us knows when it is their turn. Let me confess, though, that sometimes we forget, and it is the other’s responsibility to remind the other one that it is their turn. You realise that this is a very great way of ensuring we don’t get too complacent and forget, then start blaming each other for forgetting that we existed.
It has been our way of checking out on each other for quite some time now. And then in our last chat, she broke the news that her marriage date was set for early next year. I was so happy and overjoyed that my friend was getting married and never missed words to convey the same to her.
She indeed desired that I attend, and for the first time, she acknowledged that I had been very helpful in her life. In fact, she told me that come that day, she will celebrate me in a special way for mentoring her by announcing it. Mentoring, I thought, was an overstatement.
The only thing I remember is that we usually catch up and talk. I encourage her where I can and advise her occasionally when she seeks my thoughts on an issue or two from time to time. It never crossed my mind that that translated to mentorship. I tried telling her that I have never been a mentor to her, and all she could point out was, “Is it you who knows, or is it me?” And for that reason, she won.
It then dawned on me that our friendship was built on a solid foundation in the course of more than five years we have known each other. As a matter of fact, we come from different tribes, different places, and we still managed to have a great friendship, one that transcended boundaries.
So when I realised that she was about to enter into the institution of marriage, I knew that our friendship would never be the same again. I tried to console myself before that friendships never get affected by marriage in any way, only to realise later that I was very wrong.
They do get affected a great deal and to an even greater extent with the coming of children into the circle. I was happy that my friend is finally fulfilling a promise she perhaps made to her sweetheart, yet I was sad that that meant a slow but sure decline in the quality of friendship we have enjoyed for this long.
Like, we don’t have time rules when it comes to when one of us can make a call now. It could be in the morning once in a while, at other times it could be during the day and on other days in the evenings. Now, from next year, probably we can’t call in the evenings because that is family time and now that I am a male friend.
You see, there is always something that is wired in our human brains that makes us uncomfortable if we see our girlfriends or boyfriends or even spouses talk with friends of the opposite sex in such a manner to suggest that they are best of buddies. There is that feeling that we have been replaced by the other lot, and this tends to strain relationships.
As someone who understands this well, I am already destined to ensure the flourishing association of this young union by ensuring that the focus of the two remains on each other. For instance, if we used to do a call per week, it now turns to a call for every, let’s say, three weeks. It may seem nonsensical, but it is the right thing to do, especially when this union will be young.
Were I to be a lady, perhaps we could still maintain the tempo of our relationship and association, though still it could as well be affected slightly. Probably for me, I will have to cherish the friendship and let my children know in future that there were people who encouraged me in my earlier journey and that she was part of that team.
The beauty of such a friendship is the building up of each other to a level of seeing the other fella achieve their aspirations and know deep in your heart that you played a role. And that even in the silence of the ensuing change of association, you still cherish the moments you shared.
History serves us the bad blood that followed the change of friendship between Thomas Edison with his student and friend Nikola Tesla. The once friends turned into foes and as such lived the rest of their lives with animosity in their hearts. I don’t know if they died happy, that is if they showed the world on the outside, but deep inside, they must have been quite unhappy and regretful.
So even in the change of guard with our friendships when one of us says ‘I do,’ we still have a chance to maintain the friendship and keep it for posterity by adapting to the change rather than probably rupturing the friendship by failing in the adaptation to that change process.
If you are lucky to marry your best friend, enjoy and continue the friendship because friendship is all that remains after the bliss of love is gone. And even greater still, keep your valuable friendships strong even with the changes that come when we get married.
To my friend, I wish you the very best that married life offers.
End.
Copright@2019.
