Marriage Expectations; The African Vow of Till Dowry Do Us Part

Ah, marriage! It is a timeless tradition where two people come together to share a life, a home, and, in some cases, an unhealthy obsession with in-laws. For young Africans, marriage is not just a life choice but a communal and family project.

Often, it is also an unsolicited topic at every family gathering. Woe to the youth of marriageable age still single in such gatherings. Allow me to take you on a journey through the maze of marriage expectations, African style.

The Beginning: The Curious Case of Persistent Aunties

If you’ve ever been to an African family gathering, you know there’s always that one aunty. Sometimes it is aunties. The one who corners you with a smile as sweet as overripe mangoes and asks, “So, when are you getting married?”

This aunty has an uncanny ability to sense singlehood from miles away. Her superpower? The ability to turn a casual conversation about the weather into an interrogation about your marital status.

“No, Aunty, I am not yet married. Yes, Aunty, I am still single. No, Aunty, I am not secretly married to a spirit.”

The gaze then turns to wonder if everything is okay with their son or daughter. They cannot fathom how a grown-up youth can be ‘very single’ yet be alive. “Kwani how hard can it be to be married nowadays!” they wonder.

These aunties seem to have forgotten that finding a spouse is not like picking mangoes from a tree. You don’t just climb up, pluck the ripest one, and call it a day. The modern dating scene is more like navigating a dense forest with a blindfold on.

The Eligibility Test: Qualifications for Marriage

In the modern African marriage market, having a degree is important, but it’s not enough. You must possess the right qualifications; a full package. A potential spouse must be “well-cultured,” which translates to a blend of traditional values and the ability to survive a week without Wi-Fi. Quite a high fete for Gen Z.

You must also demonstrate financial stability. Because, as everyone knows, love is prime, but the bank won’t take that as a mortgage payment. This is particularly stressful for the young man. He must present himself as a provider, despite being a veteran member of the “Broke Boys Club (BBC).”

On the other hand, the young women must showcase their cooking skills. A dish like jollof rice, for our girls from West Africa, can make or break a proposal. For them, it’s the ultimate test: if your jollof is too mushy, you might as well say goodbye to your marriage prospects.

In East and Central Africa, your in-laws can protest the marriage if the ugali is messed up. Traditionally, there would be no marriage if there were any reservations about the culinary skills of the bride or the food reception. The bar was set high from the beginning.

The Negotiation: Bride Price and the Art of Haggling

Once you’ve found a suitable partner, it’s time for the traditional negotiations. The bride price, or dowry, is a time-honoured practice that turns into an intense session of haggling. Imagine negotiating at an open market, but instead of tomatoes, you’re discussing cows, goats, and occasionally, a wad of notes.

Both families engage in a battle of wits, citing ancestral precedents and economic references. It’s an economic symposium masked as a family meeting.

“Two cows? For my daughter? You must be joking. Do you know how much education costs these days?”

And the negotiations can drag on for hours, days even. If necessary, the ancestral spirits can be invoked. By the end, everyone is exhausted, but at least the couple can now embark on the path to matrimonial bliss. Or so they think.

The Wedding: A Community Affair

In many parts of Africa, a wedding isn’t just an event; it’s a festival, a several-day extravaganza. Everyone is invited, including people you’ve never met. It is also an opportunity to meet distant relatives you see only in old photo albums. As for the budget for a wedding, it can rival that of a small country’s GDP.

To raise that budgetary money takes ingenuity. Several collections are made, challenges undertaken and dare games played. Often, it is all blown on the wedding day.

The ceremony is usually a blend of modern and traditional elements. You have the church service, the traditional rites, and, of course, the reception, which is essentially a concert with food. No need to emphasize that without a reception, a wedding has not taken place in Africa.

The bride and groom are the stars of the show, but make no mistake, the real MVPs (Most Valuable Players) are the caterers. Remember, nothing says “I love you” like a mountain of biryani and a cascade of chicken wings.

The Marriage: Expectations vs. Reality

After the dust has settled and the relatives have dispersed, reality sets in. Marriage, the ultimate goal, now becomes a daily adventure. You’re wrong to think the expectations of the community end at the wedding.

They extend into every facet of the couple’s life. When are you having children? How many children are you having? Why isn’t your child a doctor yet? Where is your child nowadays? What does your child do?

Young African couples often find themselves juggling personal dreams with communal expectations. They must navigate the intricate balance between tradition and modernity. It’s a constant dance, one that requires patience, humour, and occasionally, the ability to feign ignorance when that one aunty asks about grandchildren early on.

“Ask your son to work harder. Otherwise, I will buy one in two market days.”

In the end, the journey to and through marriage in African society is as colourful as a kitenge cloth. It is woven with threads of tradition, expectation, and love. It’s a journey that teaches resilience and hones negotiation skills.

Most importantly though, it provides a treasure of stories to laugh about in old age. In Africa, marriage is not just the union of two people; it’s the union of families, cultures, and sometimes, a few goats or cows.